I turned 45 on Monday. If you believe actuarial estimates, I’ve lived 60.3% of my life. A solid (but daunting) 39.7% remains. I’ve worked my butt off. Taken big risks. Tinkered with what’s possible. And smiled a lot. Here are 45 things I’ve learned along the way. ## New to RadReads? Hi, I’m Khe Hy. Nearly a decade ago [I quit my 7-figure job on Wall Street]() to become a writer. I explore topics like [money](), [happiness](), [ambition](), [relationships](), [productivity]() and [more](). I also host [The Examined Life Podcast]() where I explore life’s thorniest questions with a different guest each week. My newsletter is the best way to experience my work. Sign up here: ## 1\. It’s funny how status symbols change For many centuries, one of the signs of high status was being overweight. More recently it’s McMansions and Gucci Loafers. These days, being fit and spending time with your young kids. If you chase status symbols, be careful that [they will change]() one day. ## 2\. Identify the 3 phases of wealth Step 1: Accumulate Step 2: Harvest Step 3: De-cumulate Typically, harvesting starts at 59 1/2 (e.g. traditional retirement) while you still have your health. De-cumulation in your 60s, when your health decelerates. But what if you harvested earlier (i.e. 35 for me) and for longer? ## 3\. “Die With Zero” is hard on the ego De-cumulation only works if you’re willing to forgo [inheritance and generational wealth.]() But if you’ve only seen your wealth go up, the de-cumulation process can feel scary. Are you “worth less?” Have you given up on the game? And how does it feel when your peers stay on the accumulation path? ## 4\. Not checking your net worth is strange 18 months ago I [stopped checking my net worth](). I wanted to detach from the accumulation mindset described above. It’s been really hard. It feels scary when things go down. And I want to celebrate when things go up. ## 5\. Compounding is insane I didn’t make much income from age 35-45. I recently checked an investment statement and realized that half of my net worth consists of _unrealized capital gains_. It makes sense given I’ve been long equities since 1996 when I was 18 years old. ## 6\. I wish I had discovered margin earlier I was close to 100% invested in equities when I had W-2 income. When I left Wall Street, I hoarded a lot of cash to navigate the uncertainty. I wish I had used a small amount of margin (~10% to bridge liquidity). Going forward, I’ll consistently borrow that amount. ## 7\. The US healthcare system is scary If your spouse isn’t a W-2 employee, you get thrown into the mess that is ACA. Healthcare is so expensive when you lose the employer subsidy. But that’s not the worst part. You lose access to a plethora of doctors because many don’t accept the ACA plans. I can see why this dissuades so many people from going out on their own. ## 8\. Money worries aren’t rational Einstein (reportedly) said: > _You cannot solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it._ There are many rich people who are scared of [losing all of their money](). You can give them every spreadsheet in the world, and guess what: They’ll still be scared. Like Einstein says, it takes another level of consciousness [to overcome scarcity thinking.]() ## 9\. Simplicity = peace Buying things means more things that can stress you out. More maintenance. More mental load. This applies to [big purchases like a house]() and car. And smaller ones like surfboards and electronics. Our family has chosen to minimize the number of decisions and big purchases we make to preserve simplicity. ## 10\. With age, things get cheaper In my 20s, I chased stuff. In my 30s, I chased experiences. The things that bring me joy at 45: long walks with friends, meditating, running, reading books and laying around watching TV. ## Are you a high-earner going through a career transition? Find purpose, navigate money scarcity and reimagine ambition with our Group Coaching program. [Apply today]() ## 11\. I’m glad I grinded in my 20s In my 20s I was high-energy, single (and without kids) and driven AF. I’m glad I channeled that into a high-income career, invested it and [let the compounding fly.]() Yes, there were [health trade-offs](), but I’d do 98% of it all over again as it set us up for life. ## 12\. Labels matter more than I realized I’ve changed my mind on this. I used to say, “f*ck labels.” Becoming a Managing Director is the highest title on Wall Street. I’m glad I left after the promotion. It’s like going to an Ivy League school – it can’t be taken away from you. And even if you don’t stay in your current industry? The gravitas it carries shouldn’t be underestimated. ## 13\. I’m not sure I’d recommend an “Internet Career” The Internet Gurus have a simple plan for you. Create a personal brand and create content about things you’re passionate about. Build a following and these followers will become your best customers. Yes, this plan works – but the level of competition is insanely high. If you love creating, it’s great. If not, there are tons of traditional businesses that are much “easier” – and don’t require you [making TikToks.]() ## 14\. It’s hard to make > $500k on your own I work 25-30 hours a week. I don’t want to manage people. [I don’t want investors.]() Essentially, I’m trading time for money through coaching services. Our rates are very high, yet we’ve never made more than $250k in profit. And if I doubled my “hours worked,” I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t get to $500k. ## 15\. Making an “impact” is misguided Impact plays a big role in __the pursuit of meaning.__ Yet “impact” often gets [hijacked into a utilitarian lens.]() Is it better to eradicate climate change? Or to mentor one lower-income student? Like [the pursuit of “enough,”]() there will always be a bigger way to scale your impact – and chasing it may lead to misery. ## 16\. Rewrite your success metrics First it was make money. Then it was achieve time freedom. But success metrics are actually much more personal – and require lots of creativity and clarity to find the ones that work for you. ## 17\. Stop turning everything into a challenge Why is it so hard to suck at something? Is it ok to be a beginner for a very long time? I used to only want to do something if I could be in the top 5% (of equally placed peers). You miss a lot of life if you live that way. ## 18\. Complex productivity systems are stressful [Getting Things Done. ]() [$10K Work.]() [Weekly Reviews.]() I’ve used (and taught) some elaborate systems. Now, I’ve pared them down to their essence: > WHY do you want to do something? Bake as many things as you can into habits. And be ok with “never being on top of things.” ## 19\. Time freedom is overrated I’ve owned my time since I was 35. It’s awesome. But it doesn’t fix low-self esteem, heal broken relationships, give you a pathway to meaning and help you overcome your fear of death. If anything, it gives you more time to get frustrated for not having those things. ## Check out our most popular posts: * [It’s ok to take a walk without headphones]() * [Are you a post-achievement professional?]() * [One day, you’re no longer their favorite person]() * [The joy of leaving money on the table]() * [And one of my personal favorites…]() ## 20\. Kindle or paper books? I love the touch and feel of paper books. I remember things visually, like where a passage sat on the page. But I can’t argue with the undeniable convenience and minimalism of a Kindle. For books I really want to devour, I actually buy both. ## 21\. Where you live REALLY matters Southern California has 300+ days of sun. It barely rains. The weather is 68℉ everyday with zero humidity. If you like being outdoors, I promise you this [changes your happiness.]() (So does living next to hiking trails, mountains to climb, and sailing.) ## 22\. Find places where your status doesn’t matter I’ll be honest, I still flash my _Managing Director_ card. But here are some places where __nobody gives AF.__ In [the surfing line up.]() When I [volunteer at a hospice center.]() When we travel internationally (and don’t stay at fancy hotels). You quickly realize that status is a crutch (yet #12 still applies). ## 23\. You’ll never feel on top of things I’ve had enough free time to demolish my to-do list. Guess what happens next? Yup, it stays empty. For one day. ## 24\. Read more fiction I only [read non-fiction until age 35.]() Textbooks. Business biographies. White papers. It absolutely helped my career, but it’s an odd way to live. Thankfully, I’ve pivoted back to 90% literature – and it rules. ## 25\. Losing your hair sucks I noticed the first loss in my 20s. It’s something I’ve thought about with shame, embarassment and sadness for multiple hours a day. For 25 years. Yup, I may have a six-pack. But I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. Makes you wonder about time freedom solving all your problems. ## 26\. Creatine is awesome 6 months ago, Lisa recommended the supplement. I gained 15 lbs of muscle (150 -> 165) and I’m deadlifting close to 300 lbs. More importantly, I feel absolutely great. At 45, I’m the strongest I’ve ever been. ## 27\. Understand your coping strategies I used to be the MC. Master of Coping. If I ever encountered an emotion I didn’t like, I ran the playbook. Work as hard as you can. If it’s the evening or weekend, have a few drinks. If it’s too early to drink, do an intense workout. If you’re at work and still need to cope, eat some dark chocolate. Or doomscroll US politics. It took a long time to realize that this was all in numbing uncomfortable feelings about mortality, _not-enoughness_ and worry. ## 28\. Back pain comes atcha fast When my guy friends turned 40, high blood pressure hit them. At 45, back pain is coming for all genders. I’ve thankfully been spared this (for now), but I have added 5 minutes of mobility every day. ## 29\. Alcohol will naturally wane I’m still struggling to find the right amount of drinking. I don’t want to give it up completely (especially in social settings), but the “highs” just don’t feel _that high_ anymore. My friend [Derek Haswell’s]() advice: > If you do the inner work, the drinking will resolve itself. ## 30\. A simple way to relieve stress? Breathing How often have you actually noticed your breath? It’s amazing how inhaling for 4 counts and exhaling for 6 immediately changes your mood. ## 31\. You can spend too much time with your kids This might be the hottest take on the list. And likely to get some pushback. If I’m honest, on weekdays, I don’t want to spend more than 4 hours with my kids. I value my alone time, whether it’s for work, [self-care]() and hobbies. If I give those up, I don’t feel like myself. Yet if I do too many things “for khe,” it’s often driven by my ego. Plus, not [all hours are created equal.]() Sometimes your kids are a delight (i.e. right after a nap) and sometimes you’re crabby (i.e. after a long commute). The beauty of time freedom is you’re more likely to pair your “good time” with your kids’ “good time.” ## 32\. Marital challenges have a strange source Our emotional patterns are often driven by our unmet needs from childhood. (This includes, but doesn’t necessarily mean trauma.) [When a couple fights](), those patterns are usually the instigators. So who’s really fighting? The younger versions of yourselves. ## 33\. Make seeing your friends a priority It’s very easy for friends to take a back seat to your career ambitions and the demands of a young family. Plus, you’ve got to fit in exercise, therapy and hobbies. (While fighting the temptation of making more [deal friends.]()) But loneliness creeps up quickly – and prioritizing friends [with proactive scheduling]() and making other sacrifices has been a huge source of joy. ## 34\. Embrace “puppy dog parenting” You know how a puppy greets its owners when they come home? It’s pure love, energy and enthusiasm. I want to show my kids that. Every day. But here’s the twist – it has to be sincere. So I’m always asking myself: > What’s preventing me from showing them love, energy and enthusiasm? ## 35\. When something fits, buy 3 I care about looking stylish, but now I hate shopping. So if I find the perfect fitting shirt ([Velva Sheen]()) or the perfect jeans (Rag and Bone, fit 2) – I buy multiple pairs. The only problem? Skinny jeans are no longer fashionable. ## 36\. Happiness is found in everyday-ness And happiness is found in presence. Being present while washing the dishes. While walking your kids to school. While conversing with a distant friend. It’s a bit woo, but life is just a culmination of [tiny moments of happiness.]() You just need be present to feel it. ## 37\. Projection is a powerful teacher I project a lot of things on others. “This person’s rich, but his wife probably hates him.” Or, “She’s a great writer, but she keeps getting these lucky breaks.” Each projection always contains a useful piece of info: __something I don’t like about myself.__ ## 38\. Envy still has a powerful grip on me I’ve got multiple friends who have bought ski-in, ski-out homes. There are many of my peer creators who regularly get hundreds of thousands of views for anything they put out. It’s a grind to make $250k, which was my total compensation in 2004 when I was 25 years old. [The grip of envy]() isn’t as strong, but it persists. ## 39\. You can fix the leaky bucket One attribute of ambitious professionals? They act like [leaky buckets](). Their self-worth comes from achievement – or water in this metaphor. The problem is that there’s a hole in the bucket. And regardless of how much water you pour in, ultimately the bucket ends up empty. At that point, you can keep fighting – or work to close the hole. ([IFS]() and [attachment therapy]() have helped me a ton here.) ## 40\. I can’t imagine life without meditating I’ve been meditating 40 minutes a day for 10 years. Like flexibility, it’s hard to know when it started “working.” (And, if you’re not careful it can act as [yet another coping strategy]().) But I know that it’s working because I’m more patient, I’m less reactive when shit hits the fan and I’m able to cope deeply [uncomfortable emotions like grief.]() ## 41\. Counter-dependence hurts relationships Independence is when you’re able to do things and exist on your own. [Counter-dependence]() is independence _gone awry._ It’s when you’re so scared of being alone, that you push people away before they get too close. That way they can never leave you. True. But they can never love you fully. ## 42\. Feeling stuff in your body is cool My coping abilities made me run from uncomfortable emotions at any cost. Feeling stressed? Work more. Feeling sad? Have a drink. But if you [actually allow sadness to move through your body](), something crazy happens. You feel it. Maybe it’s a tightness in your chest. Or heat on your forehead. Or churning in your oblique. But those feelings, they ultimately pass. And so does the emotion. ## 43\. The “middle way” is the only way Is anything [objectively good?]() Even things like “being hot” or “winning the lottery” have a dark side. Similarly, is anything objectively bad? A strong candidate for “objectively bad” is losing a loved one. But even in that loss, you gain an appreciation for the love you still have in your life. Perhaps your love deepens for those around you. A peaceful life can be found by embracing the uncertainty and the ambiguity of the _Middle Way_. ## 44\. Leisure guilt is hard to shake I grew up believing that every moment needed to be used to improve yourself. Maybe it’s because in a competitive neoliberal economy, [your market value is always fluctuating]() amongst the competition. Or maybe, the [attachment to achievement]() suffocates one’s ability to just enjoy themselves. (Thankfully, [Peaky Blinders saved my life.]()) ## 45\. The only life design rule you need It’s simple. > Does it bring me aliveness? If no, [truly question the WHY]() behind the activity. If the answer’s yes, do more. Way more. ## Are you a high-earner going through a career transition? Find purpose, navigate money scarcity and reimagine ambition with our Group Coaching program. [Apply today]()